Boiling Point

I'm feeling kind of down about myself at the moment. I feel like I'm always going to be this plain, boring nobody. Everyone on the internet is so good at fashion and then I'm just here like umm I have this sweater which is kind of cool and sometimes my eyeliner turns out semi-okay. Or they're really great at crafting and making things, or art or music. Or all of the above. Ahh, I dunno. I'm being an idiot. It's probably because I was blog-hoping on Tumblr, and there are so many beautiful, fashionable and creative people on there. I just wish that I could be one of them. I wish that there was something about me that was special. But I came to accept a long time ago now that I'm average, and that I'll probably just be average for the rest of my life. Honestly, my fashion choices aren't entirely my own. I just copy everyone else's ideas, follow whatever the people who I think are cool are doing, and even then I don't do a very good job of it and end up looking like a twat. It's not that I don't actually want to wear the things that such people do, because I honestly do and I would love to be able to pull it off, but I just don't have the means. That, or my outfits are half-baked. They always end up being just really average, even though I try really hard to make them nice. But in the end, it's not entirely my own personal style. I don't like that. I want to be able to come up with things that are unique, things that are special to me. I try, but like I said, I don't have the means. I can't just go and buy whatever I want, and I definitely can't make it myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my clothes and I love to wear them, but still... I can't seem to shake this feeling. I seem to like to tell myself that eventually, if I buy a whole bunch of clothes and things that are cool, then I'll be fine. I don't have a job, and finding a part-time job as a teenager in my country isn't exactly easy, and I'm really lousy at anything to do with crafts. I hate that I have to mooch off my parents for everything, but I don't have any other option. I've applied for jobs before, yes, but I never got any of them. I recently sent in an application to a store called The Warehouse, which is essentially my country's equivalent of Walmart. That's how desperate I'm getting. I hate the feeling that I haven't truly earned anything I own, that it was my parents hard work that put all my clothes in my closet. And to be honest, writing all this doesn't help at all. It just makes me feel even more shit. I'm such a lousy person. All I ever do is complain. There are so many people who have it much worse than me, yet I'm daring to sit here and whine about pointless shit. So what if I don't always like myself. It's probably just teenage insecurities. I'm happy enough, for the most part, right? I have a great life, with wonderful family and a nice home and I'm getting a good education. So why the fuck do I think it's ok to not like myself? It's not even that big of a deal. When you get right down to it, all it is, is me looking in the mirror and going, wow you're ugly inside and out huh you try so hard to be cool but none of your ideas are your own you hypocrite, and walking away. Most of the time, I just ignore the feeling, I accept it, and I move on. That's what irritates me the most. I'm so lucky, yet I still find something to be unhappy like this about, for no good reason. I feel like such a pathetic douchebag right now. I feel so crap, I wasn't even going to post this, but then I remembered... Hey, who gives a fuck, it's not like anyone reads your shit anyway.

I'm sorry. Really. That escalated quickly. I didn't intend for it to end up quite so... well, you know. But, I've always made a point my policy when it comes to blogging - backspace doesn't exist unless for grammatical errors. Whatever I type, stays. Because it's my blog. My feelings. My rants, and my rambles. It's just really late where I live right now, and I've been running on six hours of sleep for the past eighteen hours. I tend to get more angry with myself when I get tired. I'm not usually like this. I mean, I've always been a very self conscious person, but I'm actually pretty ok with it usually. It's just times like this when my brain stops working the way it should. But I guess, if I was able to spill my guts and write that much, then I really needed to write it down. It's like, I had been keeping all these thoughts shut away. I didn't want to acknowledge them, I didn't want to accept them. Like I said, feeling this way makes me feel bad. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and so I feel like I don't deserve to be upset about something as small as my fashion choices or appearance. That's all. So I try to push the feelings away. I suppose that's not the most healthy thing to do though. Because it leads to these weird little outbursts of anger. That's what a blog is supposed to be for right? Getting all your feelings down. Lifting weight of peoples' shoulders. So from now on, I'm not going to keep my feelings shut away inside until I reach my boiling point. I'm going to do my best to let it out in a calm and constructive way, through this blog. My blog. And actually, I do feel a lot better now. I know the feelings will come back every now and again, they always do, but I'm going to try and handle them better.

Ugh, another thing I don't like about these weird outbursts is that I'm not able to say properly what it is I want to say. I don't think before I type, I just type whatever. Sometimes, it's okay, but in some cases I feel that what I've written can be easily misunderstood or misinterpreted. But then, I can't actually think of how else to say it. So I'll leave it. And it doesn't flow very well at all! Usually I try to give my posts a nice flow, from one point to the next. Boooo.

Ahh, I feel like my usual self now, so I'm thankful. Glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I'm also feeling really fucking tired. So it think it's about time I got to bed. I know I said in my last post that my next post would be in a couple of days, but I clearly needed to get this off my chest now. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, if you're interested, please still expect a more normal post from me in a couple of days!

I'm listening to my sleepy/calm music playlist right now huhuhu~

NP - Hirogaru Sekai by Golden Bomber 

G.O.T.C.H.A.6.K.A~!

For a while now I've been thinking that I should update my blog. You know, change the layout and format and all that. And I really would like to, because honestly, this one that I have now I super fucking boring. It's been the same since I first started this blog just over three years ago. The thing is, I just really don't like any of the other pre-set layouts provided by Blogger, and I'm waaay to technologically impaired to make my own. Seriously, I am clueless when it comes to HTML and coding... Which is actually quite funny, considering that I've been taking Web Design as a subject for the past two years. I don't actually do any work in that class, though. It's like my second free subject. When we have work to do, I just ask my teacher and he basically tells me exactly what to do. Um, tangent, ok... Anyway, I'm going to take another look at the pre-set templates and see if I can find something a little more exciting. I guess I'll just have to play around with it a little and see what I can work out, and what I come up with. I might need to wait a bit though, until I have enough time to really get stuck in and focus on it. I have mid-term exams coming up in two weeks, so from now on I'll be super busy and nerdy with studying... Or at least, I'll pretend that's what I'm doing. I've never really been that good at studying, but I surprisingly manage to get by with pretty good grades. Maybe just for now I'll try to find a pre-set template that's a little more interesting than this, that I'll use temporarily.
Also, one of these days I'll figure out how add photos to these posts... I bet it's probably not even that difficult, I'm just an idiot. I guess I'll do that at the same time as the layout shizz. At least this way, it gives me enough time to figure out what to post photos of. I'm not really very confident with myself at all, so I wouldn't really want to post photos of my face... And my clothes aren't really cool enough to do outfit posts. I'm just generally quite plain and average. Ahh, well. I'll figure it out. I just feel like having photos will make my blog at least a little more interesting. And I need all the interesting I can get. ><;;

Writing this post is making me feel really dizzy. I haven't been feeling so good for the last two days, and I'm off school today. I probably shouldn't be using my computer at all, I knoooow. But I'm so bored~ There isn't even any entertaining trash on E! channel. Just E! News and boring THS junk.

Oh, I ordered more things on Sunday! Well, this time it was just one thing. I ordered it from Rakuten again, this time from a seller/store called Mansaiya. Whenever I search for things on Rakuten, this seller always comes up. I guess that's because I mostly search for clothes like SUPER LOVERS. And, they ship to my country, so I don't have to go through a shopping service. Again, I ordered from here because it worked out to be much cheaper than CDJapan.
BUT, I'm not going to lie, I'm getting a little worried about both of my recent orders. I ordered from the SUPER LOVERS online/Rakuten shop on Thursday last week. I did get the automatic confirmation email and everything, but it's now Tuesday afternoon and I haven't heard anything more from them. They haven't emailed me saying that it's been posted to my Tenso address, and Tenso certainly haven't received it yet. I'm hoping that it's something to do with the fact that I payed by credit card, and that it will take a while for the payment to go through. Then once they get my payment, they'll post my order.
I have similar concerns for my Mansaiya order, although I did only order on Sunday, so I'm not as concerned. But still, I haven't heard anything from this store either... I'm not sure what to do. How long should I wait until I email the sellers? I dunno maaaaan. I guess I'm just over-thinking and such because I've never ordered from here before. It'll be fine. I'm sure it will be fine. Whoo~

In other *fangirl* news, FUCKING YES GOTCHAROCKA NICONICO. When I saw the announcement   that they were going to be on a live stream, I so nearly cried. I'm so happy, I don't even care that it's way late here and I'm sick as fuck. After missing their last one, because I'm the biggest retard ever and got the timing/dates all wrong, I was so heart shattered, and I was beginning to think that I missed the only chance.
I actually started this before the broadcast was on... it was done with purpose, though, because I wanted to be able to fangirl after watching it. So, here goes...
OMFGSAFSDGDFG. THEY'RE SO PERFECT. I really, really loved watching them. It doesn't matter in the slightest that I couldn't understand a word. Just seeing them all laugh and smile made me so, so happy. They're a really great bunch of guys. You know how I like to ramble on about bands, and their band dynamic? Well, GOTCHAROCKA's band dynamic is so out of this world. They are perfect together as a band. I have no worries about them at all, I feel that they're going to be together for a long time. Ahhh I'm still buzzing about seeing them. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This morning I was listening to them, and going through Toya's blog images, and I actually felt like I was going to cry. Happy tears, not sad tears! I was just like... I love these guys so fucking much. I am so thankful to Jun for bringing me to GOTCHAROCKA. It was also really great being able to chat with the WARPS/ROCKAS again... although, it wasn't quite the same as Jun's old Niconicos... oh well, it was something. And for that I'm extremely grateful~!
Also, I realised how much I love and adore Toya! I mean, I already new I loved him, but wow... He's so gorgeous and precious and perfect! He's way up there man, but of course, Jun is always number one in my heart~ Alright, fangirl spazz end.

Alright, now I really feel like junk. Time for a cup of tea then a nap~

NP - 4 minutes for you by GOTCHAROCKA

Pin All The Things!

I'm almost done with a mad spam of pins on Pinterest. I hadn't really pinned anything in a while, and I lost a lot of followers for some of my boards! One of my boards used to have 100+ followers, now it's down to about 40~ So sad! If I ever see pictures and things that I like when I'm derping around on the internet, that I think could be pin-worthy, I save them into a folder. That folder had gotten pretty full, so I decided to clean it up a bit! If you're interested in checking out mah thangs, here's the link - http://pinterest.com/wonderholic/
It's mostly just fangirling, but I do pin clothes and stuff that I like, and sometimes just random images that bring me giggles. Feel free to browse and enjoy~

The other day, a package arrived for me. I wasn't expecting it to arrive so soon, so I was stoked! It was my albums, Tales for the Abyss from ACE, and 2PIKO from Piko! Both came with posters! Eeeeeeep! I'm so happy, both albums are fantastic! I particularly recommend Tales for the Abyss. Liek srsly. I probably won't bother doing one of my crappy reviews on it, mostly because I honestly can't find the words to describe it, but also because I am a lazy fuck. All I can say is that it is really, really amazing, and highly worth giving it a good listen. The best listening conditions would be when you're alone, or in a quiet space, and with enough time to listen to it solidly right the way through with no interruptions. I'd highly recommend that you listen to it at least once this way. It gives the best flow/feeling of the album, and then after you can go through and listen to your favourites. As for my favourites, Night of the Knights for sure, but also Abyss (Piano Version) is really stunningly beautiful, Shangri-La is super fun, and Haiiro no Tenshi and NU WORLD are great too. But really, I'm pretty much equal with my feelings on the songs, I think they're all incredible. ACE are such a unique and creative group of guys. They're the kind of guys that I'd just really want to sit down and talk to for hours and hang out with. Please do check them out!


So I've had this blog for two years now, and I am yet to figure out how to put photos or images or videos in my posts. It doesn't help that I'm already technologically impaired and I can't figure out any internet shit to begin with. I really don't understand coding, HTML or any of that. How is it that I'm taking a web design class at school lol? Damn. I'll need to try and find a simple English explanation for how to do it. Laaaaaaa.

I have school tomorrow, so I gotta get ready for sleeeeeeeep. I also need to decide what to wear tomorrow! The weather here is being really whack. It's not particularly cold, it is a little cold, but not hugely. But it's super fucking windy! And it's going to be heavy rain tomorrow! So it'll be humid. Humidity kills straightened hair! I always straighten my hair, otherwise it looks weird as hell. So tomorrow is not going to be a fun day. Oh well, only 8 more days before our two week break. Keep pushing through!

NP -  Yoake no Anthem by ACE

How Does This Keep Happening?

I was going to spend all evening playing the Sims (yeah I know, mla), but I got distracted and ended up spending the whole evening looking at yaoi blogs. Seriously, that shit is addicting! I don't actually watch or read any series, and I don't plan on it for the moment, but really. If I happen to stumble upon a yaoi blog, I find it almost impossible to tear my eyes away from the screen. But to be honest, I feel like I'm not old enough to be looking at it. I always wonder, what is the average age for a yaoi fan? Is it normal/okay for me to be into it at 17? Well, no, cause I'm not actually into it, I just happen to look at some pictures and stuff that I find unintentionally every now and then and... this is how it starts, isn't it? =3=
I just want someone to tell me that it's okay for me to look at this stuff, and not find it gross. I need someone to tell me that it's normal, or at the very least not bad...
And there's no way in hell I'm ever going to tell my parents or real life friends about it. I'd probably end up with even less friends than the small amount I currently have. And my parents finding out? Oh god, the awkward! It makes me cringe just thinking about it. I actually do like light shonen-ai, and I wouldn't feel awkward admitting that. But yaoi is a whole new level, and I just... I don't know. I'll figure it out. I'll just keep getting my harmless, little, once-in-a-while fixes. I don't think I'm going to turn into a hardcore yaoi fangirl any time soon, so I guess no worries for now.
-Is now desperately hoping that nobody I know irl ever sees this-

AND NOW, CHILDREN. I will actually go and play the Sims for real. And, if anyone is wondering, I mean the Sims 2. Yes, I have the Sims 3, but I have that on the family mac, and I don't like the way it looks on my laptop, so I play Sims 2 on my laptop. I actually still like playing the Sims 2. Sometimes the Sims 3 gets boring, because I don't have enough expansions yet //craicraitoopoor

NP - Ai no Kusari by FEST VAINQUEUR