Boiling Point

I'm feeling kind of down about myself at the moment. I feel like I'm always going to be this plain, boring nobody. Everyone on the internet is so good at fashion and then I'm just here like umm I have this sweater which is kind of cool and sometimes my eyeliner turns out semi-okay. Or they're really great at crafting and making things, or art or music. Or all of the above. Ahh, I dunno. I'm being an idiot. It's probably because I was blog-hoping on Tumblr, and there are so many beautiful, fashionable and creative people on there. I just wish that I could be one of them. I wish that there was something about me that was special. But I came to accept a long time ago now that I'm average, and that I'll probably just be average for the rest of my life. Honestly, my fashion choices aren't entirely my own. I just copy everyone else's ideas, follow whatever the people who I think are cool are doing, and even then I don't do a very good job of it and end up looking like a twat. It's not that I don't actually want to wear the things that such people do, because I honestly do and I would love to be able to pull it off, but I just don't have the means. That, or my outfits are half-baked. They always end up being just really average, even though I try really hard to make them nice. But in the end, it's not entirely my own personal style. I don't like that. I want to be able to come up with things that are unique, things that are special to me. I try, but like I said, I don't have the means. I can't just go and buy whatever I want, and I definitely can't make it myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my clothes and I love to wear them, but still... I can't seem to shake this feeling. I seem to like to tell myself that eventually, if I buy a whole bunch of clothes and things that are cool, then I'll be fine. I don't have a job, and finding a part-time job as a teenager in my country isn't exactly easy, and I'm really lousy at anything to do with crafts. I hate that I have to mooch off my parents for everything, but I don't have any other option. I've applied for jobs before, yes, but I never got any of them. I recently sent in an application to a store called The Warehouse, which is essentially my country's equivalent of Walmart. That's how desperate I'm getting. I hate the feeling that I haven't truly earned anything I own, that it was my parents hard work that put all my clothes in my closet. And to be honest, writing all this doesn't help at all. It just makes me feel even more shit. I'm such a lousy person. All I ever do is complain. There are so many people who have it much worse than me, yet I'm daring to sit here and whine about pointless shit. So what if I don't always like myself. It's probably just teenage insecurities. I'm happy enough, for the most part, right? I have a great life, with wonderful family and a nice home and I'm getting a good education. So why the fuck do I think it's ok to not like myself? It's not even that big of a deal. When you get right down to it, all it is, is me looking in the mirror and going, wow you're ugly inside and out huh you try so hard to be cool but none of your ideas are your own you hypocrite, and walking away. Most of the time, I just ignore the feeling, I accept it, and I move on. That's what irritates me the most. I'm so lucky, yet I still find something to be unhappy like this about, for no good reason. I feel like such a pathetic douchebag right now. I feel so crap, I wasn't even going to post this, but then I remembered... Hey, who gives a fuck, it's not like anyone reads your shit anyway.

I'm sorry. Really. That escalated quickly. I didn't intend for it to end up quite so... well, you know. But, I've always made a point my policy when it comes to blogging - backspace doesn't exist unless for grammatical errors. Whatever I type, stays. Because it's my blog. My feelings. My rants, and my rambles. It's just really late where I live right now, and I've been running on six hours of sleep for the past eighteen hours. I tend to get more angry with myself when I get tired. I'm not usually like this. I mean, I've always been a very self conscious person, but I'm actually pretty ok with it usually. It's just times like this when my brain stops working the way it should. But I guess, if I was able to spill my guts and write that much, then I really needed to write it down. It's like, I had been keeping all these thoughts shut away. I didn't want to acknowledge them, I didn't want to accept them. Like I said, feeling this way makes me feel bad. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and so I feel like I don't deserve to be upset about something as small as my fashion choices or appearance. That's all. So I try to push the feelings away. I suppose that's not the most healthy thing to do though. Because it leads to these weird little outbursts of anger. That's what a blog is supposed to be for right? Getting all your feelings down. Lifting weight of peoples' shoulders. So from now on, I'm not going to keep my feelings shut away inside until I reach my boiling point. I'm going to do my best to let it out in a calm and constructive way, through this blog. My blog. And actually, I do feel a lot better now. I know the feelings will come back every now and again, they always do, but I'm going to try and handle them better.

Ugh, another thing I don't like about these weird outbursts is that I'm not able to say properly what it is I want to say. I don't think before I type, I just type whatever. Sometimes, it's okay, but in some cases I feel that what I've written can be easily misunderstood or misinterpreted. But then, I can't actually think of how else to say it. So I'll leave it. And it doesn't flow very well at all! Usually I try to give my posts a nice flow, from one point to the next. Boooo.

Ahh, I feel like my usual self now, so I'm thankful. Glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I'm also feeling really fucking tired. So it think it's about time I got to bed. I know I said in my last post that my next post would be in a couple of days, but I clearly needed to get this off my chest now. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, if you're interested, please still expect a more normal post from me in a couple of days!

I'm listening to my sleepy/calm music playlist right now huhuhu~

NP - Hirogaru Sekai by Golden Bomber 

Why Can't I Hold All These Limes?

BECAUSE YOU RACK DICSIPRIN. //irrelevant title is irrelevant~

I am such a fucking loser. I already knew I was. But I only just realized the extreme extent to which this is true. It kind of sucks, I'm probably never going to find like-minded friends because of my total loser-ness and I'll always feel different and lonely, but hey. I can't change the way I think about things. And I certainly will not change just to fit in. So I guess I'll have to live with it. I have so far...
Just so you know, this is partly due to my views on partying/drinking/smoking/drugs. I have this huge distaste for all of them. As a seventeen year old girl, I'm proud to say that I've never done any of it. And I don't want to. I don't see the need, I don't see the appeal. If you want to go on a buzz, drink a fucking energy drink. Most people would think that when I get older, then I'll want to go out partying and drinking. But honestly, I really don't think I will. I just hate the idea so much now, I can't imagine ever wanting to do it. It honestly holds no interest for me. At all. But whatever... I've never found anyone who has the same values and attitudes towards this subject as I do, so I've accepted the fact that I probably never will. Literally, forever alone.

So lately I've been thinking, I really would like to buy a lolita dress/one-piece. I just have one reservation. I don't dress in lolita, I don't own a single piece of lolita clothing. I really do love the fashion, it just doesn't always suit my personal fashion and/or budget. All I want is one, maybe two pieces of lolita. Nothing too extravagant, just something simple and cute. I wouldn't wear it in the traditional lolita style, I'd want to mix and match it with my punkier items of clothing. Now, I that there are people who already do this, and it looks awesome. But then there are people, usually the everday/lifestyle lolitas, that CAN get a little bitchy about this use of lolita. I say can, because I know not every one of them will be like this, but I really can't be bothered dealing with the ones who are like that. Is it really harming anyone if you have one lolita dress and wear it in your own way? Do we have to be lifestyle lolitas in order to wear one dress that we like? Do there have to be rules when it comes to fashion, your own personal style? I don't think so. So I will eventually buy a lolita dress, once I find a cute one within my budget. And I will wear it my way.  And idgaf what any elitist lifestyle lolita says.

Lately, a whole bunch of new visual/jrock bands have been springing up. And I absolutely love it! It's so cool to find brand new bands to support, and most of them have quite fresh looks. The only downside is that sometimes it takes a little while between the first introduction of the band, until we are able to hear some of their music. So I'm just sitting here hoping that the music of these new bands is as fresh as their looks. One new band in particular that I think looks promising is Neverland. Seriously, just their name is so cool! And their first look is pretty fucking amazing. I'm so amped to hear their music! Bring it on! I'm so grateful to the Jrock UK Updater (aka edohsama.blogspot.com) and all it's wonderful mods for informing us fans of these new bands, and for keeping us up to date on all the old favourites! -bows-

Well, today's post has been a bit of a mishmash. I've run run out of energy, and things to say. I'll round up here, so good night/good morning/good day/whatever it is wherever you are~!

NP - Let's Go KY by Golden Bomber