Boiling Point

I'm feeling kind of down about myself at the moment. I feel like I'm always going to be this plain, boring nobody. Everyone on the internet is so good at fashion and then I'm just here like umm I have this sweater which is kind of cool and sometimes my eyeliner turns out semi-okay. Or they're really great at crafting and making things, or art or music. Or all of the above. Ahh, I dunno. I'm being an idiot. It's probably because I was blog-hoping on Tumblr, and there are so many beautiful, fashionable and creative people on there. I just wish that I could be one of them. I wish that there was something about me that was special. But I came to accept a long time ago now that I'm average, and that I'll probably just be average for the rest of my life. Honestly, my fashion choices aren't entirely my own. I just copy everyone else's ideas, follow whatever the people who I think are cool are doing, and even then I don't do a very good job of it and end up looking like a twat. It's not that I don't actually want to wear the things that such people do, because I honestly do and I would love to be able to pull it off, but I just don't have the means. That, or my outfits are half-baked. They always end up being just really average, even though I try really hard to make them nice. But in the end, it's not entirely my own personal style. I don't like that. I want to be able to come up with things that are unique, things that are special to me. I try, but like I said, I don't have the means. I can't just go and buy whatever I want, and I definitely can't make it myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my clothes and I love to wear them, but still... I can't seem to shake this feeling. I seem to like to tell myself that eventually, if I buy a whole bunch of clothes and things that are cool, then I'll be fine. I don't have a job, and finding a part-time job as a teenager in my country isn't exactly easy, and I'm really lousy at anything to do with crafts. I hate that I have to mooch off my parents for everything, but I don't have any other option. I've applied for jobs before, yes, but I never got any of them. I recently sent in an application to a store called The Warehouse, which is essentially my country's equivalent of Walmart. That's how desperate I'm getting. I hate the feeling that I haven't truly earned anything I own, that it was my parents hard work that put all my clothes in my closet. And to be honest, writing all this doesn't help at all. It just makes me feel even more shit. I'm such a lousy person. All I ever do is complain. There are so many people who have it much worse than me, yet I'm daring to sit here and whine about pointless shit. So what if I don't always like myself. It's probably just teenage insecurities. I'm happy enough, for the most part, right? I have a great life, with wonderful family and a nice home and I'm getting a good education. So why the fuck do I think it's ok to not like myself? It's not even that big of a deal. When you get right down to it, all it is, is me looking in the mirror and going, wow you're ugly inside and out huh you try so hard to be cool but none of your ideas are your own you hypocrite, and walking away. Most of the time, I just ignore the feeling, I accept it, and I move on. That's what irritates me the most. I'm so lucky, yet I still find something to be unhappy like this about, for no good reason. I feel like such a pathetic douchebag right now. I feel so crap, I wasn't even going to post this, but then I remembered... Hey, who gives a fuck, it's not like anyone reads your shit anyway.

I'm sorry. Really. That escalated quickly. I didn't intend for it to end up quite so... well, you know. But, I've always made a point my policy when it comes to blogging - backspace doesn't exist unless for grammatical errors. Whatever I type, stays. Because it's my blog. My feelings. My rants, and my rambles. It's just really late where I live right now, and I've been running on six hours of sleep for the past eighteen hours. I tend to get more angry with myself when I get tired. I'm not usually like this. I mean, I've always been a very self conscious person, but I'm actually pretty ok with it usually. It's just times like this when my brain stops working the way it should. But I guess, if I was able to spill my guts and write that much, then I really needed to write it down. It's like, I had been keeping all these thoughts shut away. I didn't want to acknowledge them, I didn't want to accept them. Like I said, feeling this way makes me feel bad. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and so I feel like I don't deserve to be upset about something as small as my fashion choices or appearance. That's all. So I try to push the feelings away. I suppose that's not the most healthy thing to do though. Because it leads to these weird little outbursts of anger. That's what a blog is supposed to be for right? Getting all your feelings down. Lifting weight of peoples' shoulders. So from now on, I'm not going to keep my feelings shut away inside until I reach my boiling point. I'm going to do my best to let it out in a calm and constructive way, through this blog. My blog. And actually, I do feel a lot better now. I know the feelings will come back every now and again, they always do, but I'm going to try and handle them better.

Ugh, another thing I don't like about these weird outbursts is that I'm not able to say properly what it is I want to say. I don't think before I type, I just type whatever. Sometimes, it's okay, but in some cases I feel that what I've written can be easily misunderstood or misinterpreted. But then, I can't actually think of how else to say it. So I'll leave it. And it doesn't flow very well at all! Usually I try to give my posts a nice flow, from one point to the next. Boooo.

Ahh, I feel like my usual self now, so I'm thankful. Glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I'm also feeling really fucking tired. So it think it's about time I got to bed. I know I said in my last post that my next post would be in a couple of days, but I clearly needed to get this off my chest now. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, if you're interested, please still expect a more normal post from me in a couple of days!

I'm listening to my sleepy/calm music playlist right now huhuhu~

NP - Hirogaru Sekai by Golden Bomber