Fuck. I miss Jun's Niconico weekly live streams. I miss chatting with all the WARPS, fangirling and squealing over collarbones and thighs, Beardy, his occasional tipsy-like behaviour, the Happy Birthday song in adorable engrish, the always asking for a kiss but not getting it (except a couple of times, ohmygod). Having something to look forward to every week, something that could get me through the week. Knowing that no matter how bad a week it had been, Jun and all the WARPS would be there. I guess I miss the the general feeling of the streams. The feeling that I actually belong somewhere. The feeling of being part of one big, awesome, crazy family. Seriously, the Spiv States/Jun fandom is the only one that I've ever felt comfortable in, or like I am actually a part of. Ugh. Now I'm really sad. How do I deal~!
Ok, so the other day in class, someone who I thought was supposed to be something of a friend of mine, said something that struck a nerve with me. Long story short, he essentially said, straight to my face, that visual kei is 'disgusting', and he doesn't understand why guys would willingly make themselves look more feminine and the fact that they do look like girls is disgusting. All I was doing was looking at a photo that Jun (Utahiroba, of Golden Bomber), had posted in a blog entry. That's all. I wasn't harming anyone, I wasn't talking to him, just minding my own business.I didn't ask for his opinion. It was weird, because usually he just jokes about my 'men in skirts', but I don't mind that so much, because I know he's just kidding around and isn't trying to be mean.
I was shocked. I didn't even know what to say, it was so random and out of the blue. I was so fucking upset and angry that I actually had to get up and leave the room. I don't know why, but I felt like I was going to burst into tears, like it was my mother that he was insulting. It really, really hurt. I wanted to punch him in face. And even though it was quite clear that what he said hurt me, he hasn't apologised. No, I don't want him to apologise for having his own opinion, but generally, when you hurt someone, you should apologise for hurting them. He knows that my music and bands are practically my whole life, and I just don't get why he had to say something so rude about it. Honestly, he didn't have to fucking say anything at all. I didn't ask him what he thought, I didn't ask him to look. He could have just kept his mouth shut. I haven't talked to him since then, and honestly, I don't care if I never talk to him again. He really wasn't even that good of a friend.
What makes it worse, was that recently I've been feeling quite lonely. I don't really have anyone else who has the same musical interests as me. Sometimes I just want to fangirl the fuck out, but with another fangirl, not by myself all the time. I don't know anyone else other than my homestay who likes visual kei. At school I feel so alone, even when I have people around me. I can't talk to any of my 'friends' about my music, and if/when I do, I feel like I shouldn't because they don't care. It's really hard to be a visual fan, huh... Especially when you're an internet nobody and you don't even have online friends to fangirl with. I just feel... so... ughh.
Oh wahhh, this post was really depressing, huh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to be.
Oh, funny story! Yesterday, I was sitting in Geography class doing my work (I sit up the front), and I happened to overhear two guys who sit at the back of my class talking. Their conversation, from where I heard it, went something like this:
Guy 1 - "Ouch!"
Guy 2- "I didn't even go that hard!"
Guy 1 - "But it hurt!"
Pause
Guy 1 - "Stop it, it feels weird!"
My jaw literally dropped, as did my pencil. My brain automatically went HOLYSHIT YAOI SENSITIVE UKE WTF AM I THINKING UGH. I turned around, and they were actually just punching each other on the arms, but still. I have issues man. Seriously, though, what was I supposed to think!
Speaking of yaoi, I think I may have jumped the gun a bit with it. I mean, after reading those volumes of yaoi a few weeks ago, I haven't actually read any more. I haven't felt the overwhelming desire to, like I thought I would. I'm certainly not obsessed. Maybe it was just a one day thing. Is it possible to be a light yaoi reader, like, read a volume or two occasionally? I guess I'll find out. I have recently started shipping Yuuto and Syu from Called≠Plan, though. So hard. XD
Sorry for the long post today. I have a lot on my mind. I'll finish here as I am, in just a few minutes, going over to CDJapan to purchase SID's new album M&W [Type A]. I've been listening to it all week, seriously. It's amazing, so well arranged and beautiful and lovely and ahhh. I'm just trying to decide if I should pre-order AYABIE's new album in the same order... It's a lot of money, but I don't want to miss out on it. I love AYABIE. And it would mean that I would have to wait longer for SID's album to arrive here. Oh well, ftp, I'm doing it! Ftp, really? Wow, I'm lame.
NP - Konagona by SID
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