Fuck. I miss Jun's Niconico weekly live streams. I miss chatting with all the WARPS, fangirling and squealing over collarbones and thighs, Beardy, his occasional tipsy-like behaviour, the Happy Birthday song in adorable engrish, the always asking for a kiss but not getting it (except a couple of times, ohmygod). Having something to look forward to every week, something that could get me through the week. Knowing that no matter how bad a week it had been, Jun and all the WARPS would be there. I guess I miss the the general feeling of the streams. The feeling that I actually belong somewhere. The feeling of being part of one big, awesome, crazy family. Seriously, the Spiv States/Jun fandom is the only one that I've ever felt comfortable in, or like I am actually a part of. Ugh. Now I'm really sad. How do I deal~!
Ok, so the other day in class, someone who I thought was supposed to be something of a friend of mine, said something that struck a nerve with me. Long story short, he essentially said, straight to my face, that visual kei is 'disgusting', and he doesn't understand why guys would willingly make themselves look more feminine and the fact that they do look like girls is disgusting. All I was doing was looking at a photo that Jun (Utahiroba, of Golden Bomber), had posted in a blog entry. That's all. I wasn't harming anyone, I wasn't talking to him, just minding my own business.I didn't ask for his opinion. It was weird, because usually he just jokes about my 'men in skirts', but I don't mind that so much, because I know he's just kidding around and isn't trying to be mean.
I was shocked. I didn't even know what to say, it was so random and out of the blue. I was so fucking upset and angry that I actually had to get up and leave the room. I don't know why, but I felt like I was going to burst into tears, like it was my mother that he was insulting. It really, really hurt. I wanted to punch him in face. And even though it was quite clear that what he said hurt me, he hasn't apologised. No, I don't want him to apologise for having his own opinion, but generally, when you hurt someone, you should apologise for hurting them. He knows that my music and bands are practically my whole life, and I just don't get why he had to say something so rude about it. Honestly, he didn't have to fucking say anything at all. I didn't ask him what he thought, I didn't ask him to look. He could have just kept his mouth shut. I haven't talked to him since then, and honestly, I don't care if I never talk to him again. He really wasn't even that good of a friend.
What makes it worse, was that recently I've been feeling quite lonely. I don't really have anyone else who has the same musical interests as me. Sometimes I just want to fangirl the fuck out, but with another fangirl, not by myself all the time. I don't know anyone else other than my homestay who likes visual kei. At school I feel so alone, even when I have people around me. I can't talk to any of my 'friends' about my music, and if/when I do, I feel like I shouldn't because they don't care. It's really hard to be a visual fan, huh... Especially when you're an internet nobody and you don't even have online friends to fangirl with. I just feel... so... ughh.
Oh wahhh, this post was really depressing, huh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to be.
Oh, funny story! Yesterday, I was sitting in Geography class doing my work (I sit up the front), and I happened to overhear two guys who sit at the back of my class talking. Their conversation, from where I heard it, went something like this:
Guy 1 - "Ouch!"
Guy 2- "I didn't even go that hard!"
Guy 1 - "But it hurt!"
Pause
Guy 1 - "Stop it, it feels weird!"
My jaw literally dropped, as did my pencil. My brain automatically went HOLYSHIT YAOI SENSITIVE UKE WTF AM I THINKING UGH. I turned around, and they were actually just punching each other on the arms, but still. I have issues man. Seriously, though, what was I supposed to think!
Speaking of yaoi, I think I may have jumped the gun a bit with it. I mean, after reading those volumes of yaoi a few weeks ago, I haven't actually read any more. I haven't felt the overwhelming desire to, like I thought I would. I'm certainly not obsessed. Maybe it was just a one day thing. Is it possible to be a light yaoi reader, like, read a volume or two occasionally? I guess I'll find out. I have recently started shipping Yuuto and Syu from Called≠Plan, though. So hard. XD
Sorry for the long post today. I have a lot on my mind. I'll finish here as I am, in just a few minutes, going over to CDJapan to purchase SID's new album M&W [Type A]. I've been listening to it all week, seriously. It's amazing, so well arranged and beautiful and lovely and ahhh. I'm just trying to decide if I should pre-order AYABIE's new album in the same order... It's a lot of money, but I don't want to miss out on it. I love AYABIE. And it would mean that I would have to wait longer for SID's album to arrive here. Oh well, ftp, I'm doing it! Ftp, really? Wow, I'm lame.
NP - Konagona by SID
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Friday, August 3, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Mustache Cash Stash~!
Ooohhhhhhhh!
I love Regular Show. Not as much as Adventure Time. But it's still pretty fanfuckingtastic. Oh, Rigby just nipple pinched Mordecai. You know, if Mordecai actually had nipples, but he doesn't, because he's a bird.
You know what I really hate? Doing puzzles. That shit is stupid. Especially 1000 piece puzzles. NEVER AGAIN. I will not waste any more minutes of my life on puzzles. I know that you're supposed to feel a little challenged and then feel really pleased with yourself once you complete it, but I just felt frustrated and then exhausted. That's about five hours of my life that I'll never get back, and for what? To see the end result for like, a minute or two and then have to take it all apart and put it back in the box because it's taking up too much space on the table? No thank you, sir.
One of the books that I got out the other day, Library Wars, was so good! I'm really looking forward to reading more. Admittedly, it is super typically shoujo. But hey, what am I supposed to do. I'm a real shoujo junkie, and honestly, I love it. Oh, the other two were also good though! I'm so curious to find out who Riika ends up with. I feel like it will be Soshi, but then again, I think that would be too predictable. So I go back and fourth like, Oh it's totally going to be Soshi, wait no way it has to be Night~ I actually can't pick my favourite pairing right now. I guess it would have to be Riika and Night... Maybe. Oh well, I'll find out soon! Bakuman was pretty good. I'll be honest, it seems like it's going to be a little slow moving. But that might be good for me! Hopefully I'll finally have found a series that doesn't make me want to scream and cry and rip my hair out then curl up and slowly rock in the corner of my room. I mean, I do like all the feels that I get, but sometimes I get waaaay too involved in the story. I guess what I'm getting at here is that it may be more light reading for me. The art is wonderful, as expected of Takeshi Obata, and the story is pretty cute. So I also look forward to reading more of that. In other manga news, six of my requested books arrived at the library today! But I didn't feel like doing my hair and makeup and putting on real clothes today. Pajama party, all day erryday! I'll get them tomorrow.
Because if my painfully slow internet, I've been writing this post over the course of about four days. Sometimes I just couldn't be bothered waiting ten minutes for this page to load. I probably shouldn't have stopped writing though, because I'm in a considerably different mood than the mood I was in four days ago. I don't really know how to explain it, I've never been good at explaining how I'm feeling. It's like, when you go to the doctor and they ask you what you came to see them about, and you just look at your mother like, you explain. Actually, I guess it's not like that at all. Damn it, I don't even know what I'm saying. Basically, I just have been feeling really lonely. I don't actually think that 'lonely' is exactly the word I'm looking for, but I'll use it for now due to lack of a better word. I always knew that I don't really have that many friends, both real life and internet wise, but today I realised that outside of my home, there is only one person who I feel I can truly be myself around without worrying that I'll be judged. She makes up one of the only three people that I feel this way about. The other two live in the same house os me. And what's worse, two of the three people are leaving at the end of this year. They're exchange students from Japan, so they'll be going back home for good in December. I really don't know what I'll do when that happens. Also, I already knew this before, but damn, people change. I know change is an inevitable part of life and it's going to happen whether I like it or not, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I don't deal with change very well, I guess... I really don't want to go back to school. I'm going to feel so isolated. There isn't a single person there who I feel I can trust enough to talk to them about anything and everything without being judged. I feel like I just have acquaintances. I wish I could make friends on the internet. You know, fellow fangirls and such. But I just don't know how. Maahhhhhhhhhh. I don't know. Hopefully I can sort out this feeling before Monday... or at least figure out how to be civil towards people without having to be social. I'm just sick of people right now.
In other news, I finally plucked up enough courage to get out a couple of yaoi manga from the library today! Eeeep, don't show my mother! She would have a heart attack if she saw what her sweet little daughter was reading... I got out two that I had already heard/seen a lot about, so it wouldn't be too shocking. I got The Tyrant Falls in Love by Hinako Takanaga, and Finder: Target in the Viewfinder by Ayano Yamane. Two series that I believe are quite popular (I could be wrong, I'm just a humble noob~!), and aren't too graphic but are still super sexy. I know, deep down in my soul I knew it all along, but reading them in actual book format just solidified the fact - I'm hooked. Addicted. It's all downhill from here. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. I still feel a little unsure about being a yaoi fan, but I figured there was no point in trying to lie to myself anymore. I do feel like I'm looking at forbidden materials, like it's some kind of sin to be into this stuff... but I can't help it! I'm going to to my best to keep it a secret from everyone. Except my homestay student. She came with me to the library today, and she knows that I like BL (even though she says she isn't a fan, she has read a few slightly BL manga...). She doesn't judge me for it, and I'm so grateful. Although, she doesn't seem to know what exactly yaoi is, strangely enough, she is Japanese. So I haven't explained in great detail. I gave her a VERY vague description, a I'll let her learn the rest herself. I didn't want to have to explain it to her fully, because even though she is few months older than me, she's so cute and innocent! I didn't want to soil her purity... Oh, that could sound weird. I mean, I didn't want to be the one to educate her about... well... gay sex. Oh god, even I feel uncomfortable writing that! I'm going to be the worst yaoi fan ever...
I swear, if anyone I know in real life EVER reads this... I'm going to dig myself a hole and die of embarrassment...
I've actually been reading a lot more manga, mostly shoujo. I really want to talk about them, but this post is long enough as it is. Shit, man, this is turning into some kind of manga blog. I just don't really have much else going on in my life to write about, so manga it is! God I'm lame...
NP - Rasen by Crazy★shampoo
I love Regular Show. Not as much as Adventure Time. But it's still pretty fanfuckingtastic. Oh, Rigby just nipple pinched Mordecai. You know, if Mordecai actually had nipples, but he doesn't, because he's a bird.
You know what I really hate? Doing puzzles. That shit is stupid. Especially 1000 piece puzzles. NEVER AGAIN. I will not waste any more minutes of my life on puzzles. I know that you're supposed to feel a little challenged and then feel really pleased with yourself once you complete it, but I just felt frustrated and then exhausted. That's about five hours of my life that I'll never get back, and for what? To see the end result for like, a minute or two and then have to take it all apart and put it back in the box because it's taking up too much space on the table? No thank you, sir.
One of the books that I got out the other day, Library Wars, was so good! I'm really looking forward to reading more. Admittedly, it is super typically shoujo. But hey, what am I supposed to do. I'm a real shoujo junkie, and honestly, I love it. Oh, the other two were also good though! I'm so curious to find out who Riika ends up with. I feel like it will be Soshi, but then again, I think that would be too predictable. So I go back and fourth like, Oh it's totally going to be Soshi, wait no way it has to be Night~ I actually can't pick my favourite pairing right now. I guess it would have to be Riika and Night... Maybe. Oh well, I'll find out soon! Bakuman was pretty good. I'll be honest, it seems like it's going to be a little slow moving. But that might be good for me! Hopefully I'll finally have found a series that doesn't make me want to scream and cry and rip my hair out then curl up and slowly rock in the corner of my room. I mean, I do like all the feels that I get, but sometimes I get waaaay too involved in the story. I guess what I'm getting at here is that it may be more light reading for me. The art is wonderful, as expected of Takeshi Obata, and the story is pretty cute. So I also look forward to reading more of that. In other manga news, six of my requested books arrived at the library today! But I didn't feel like doing my hair and makeup and putting on real clothes today. Pajama party, all day erryday! I'll get them tomorrow.
Because if my painfully slow internet, I've been writing this post over the course of about four days. Sometimes I just couldn't be bothered waiting ten minutes for this page to load. I probably shouldn't have stopped writing though, because I'm in a considerably different mood than the mood I was in four days ago. I don't really know how to explain it, I've never been good at explaining how I'm feeling. It's like, when you go to the doctor and they ask you what you came to see them about, and you just look at your mother like, you explain. Actually, I guess it's not like that at all. Damn it, I don't even know what I'm saying. Basically, I just have been feeling really lonely. I don't actually think that 'lonely' is exactly the word I'm looking for, but I'll use it for now due to lack of a better word. I always knew that I don't really have that many friends, both real life and internet wise, but today I realised that outside of my home, there is only one person who I feel I can truly be myself around without worrying that I'll be judged. She makes up one of the only three people that I feel this way about. The other two live in the same house os me. And what's worse, two of the three people are leaving at the end of this year. They're exchange students from Japan, so they'll be going back home for good in December. I really don't know what I'll do when that happens. Also, I already knew this before, but damn, people change. I know change is an inevitable part of life and it's going to happen whether I like it or not, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I don't deal with change very well, I guess... I really don't want to go back to school. I'm going to feel so isolated. There isn't a single person there who I feel I can trust enough to talk to them about anything and everything without being judged. I feel like I just have acquaintances. I wish I could make friends on the internet. You know, fellow fangirls and such. But I just don't know how. Maahhhhhhhhhh. I don't know. Hopefully I can sort out this feeling before Monday... or at least figure out how to be civil towards people without having to be social. I'm just sick of people right now.
In other news, I finally plucked up enough courage to get out a couple of yaoi manga from the library today! Eeeep, don't show my mother! She would have a heart attack if she saw what her sweet little daughter was reading... I got out two that I had already heard/seen a lot about, so it wouldn't be too shocking. I got The Tyrant Falls in Love by Hinako Takanaga, and Finder: Target in the Viewfinder by Ayano Yamane. Two series that I believe are quite popular (I could be wrong, I'm just a humble noob~!), and aren't too graphic but are still super sexy. I know, deep down in my soul I knew it all along, but reading them in actual book format just solidified the fact - I'm hooked. Addicted. It's all downhill from here. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. I still feel a little unsure about being a yaoi fan, but I figured there was no point in trying to lie to myself anymore. I do feel like I'm looking at forbidden materials, like it's some kind of sin to be into this stuff... but I can't help it! I'm going to to my best to keep it a secret from everyone. Except my homestay student. She came with me to the library today, and she knows that I like BL (even though she says she isn't a fan, she has read a few slightly BL manga...). She doesn't judge me for it, and I'm so grateful. Although, she doesn't seem to know what exactly yaoi is, strangely enough, she is Japanese. So I haven't explained in great detail. I gave her a VERY vague description, a I'll let her learn the rest herself. I didn't want to have to explain it to her fully, because even though she is few months older than me, she's so cute and innocent! I didn't want to soil her purity... Oh, that could sound weird. I mean, I didn't want to be the one to educate her about... well... gay sex. Oh god, even I feel uncomfortable writing that! I'm going to be the worst yaoi fan ever...
I swear, if anyone I know in real life EVER reads this... I'm going to dig myself a hole and die of embarrassment...
I've actually been reading a lot more manga, mostly shoujo. I really want to talk about them, but this post is long enough as it is. Shit, man, this is turning into some kind of manga blog. I just don't really have much else going on in my life to write about, so manga it is! God I'm lame...
NP - Rasen by Crazy★shampoo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)