Armageddon Expo~!

Ahhh, damn. It's been a while since I blogged. I don't even have a decent excuse this time. In short, the reason is laziness. I'm not sure why, but recently I've been feeling extremely lethargic, even more so than usual. Everything just takes so much effort, it's so tiring. I come home from school completely exhausted every day. I wake up in the morning not feeling any better. I guess it's because it's almost the end of an extremely busy year, and my final exams are coming up, and it all seems a bit much at the moment. Not that I'm actually stressing about anything, weirdly, I'm the complete opposite. I feel so chill. I think that comes with the laziness, haha. I should actually be stressing right now, though, because my first exam is in just under three weeks, and I've done minimal, if not zero, study. At least if I were stressed, I'd be putting more pressure on myself to study. Then I'd do it. Right now though, I'm just like whatever maaaan. Ehehe... Alright, alright, I'll get serious about studying... in the weekend.

So a lot has happened since my last post. Well, as much that could happen to a social recluse/vegetable like myself. It's mostly all stuff that is personal to me, though, that didn't require the need to leave the comfort of my home. Oh well! I guess the biggest thing that happened was Armageddon Expo 2012, so I'm dedicating  the rest of this post to it.

It was fantastic! Armageddon, like I've said, is about the closest my country gets to a convention. It's got gaming, comics, anime and pretty much everything geek. So I feel right at home there. It's on for three days, and usually I just go for one, but this year I decided to go for two. I think next year I'm gonna get the full three day pass, it's that wonderful. I got to wear my Gachapin kigurumi!

(Please ignore my derp XD)

My friend wore her Totoro kigurumi! (Again, ignore the derp)

It was really fun to wear, and I got asked for lots of pictures with people! At first I was a little shocked, cause I've never had someone ask me for a photo before. That's probably because I've only ever been in my normal clothes. So that was a really interesting experience! I also asked  people for photos, cause while there weren't many, there were some really cool cosplays there! My favourite person who I got a photo with was this Japanese guy. I'm not sure how old he was or what he was cosplaying, but he was so sweet and adorable I just had to have a photo with him!

Isn't he sweet? (Yet again, I am incapable of taking photos without looking horrendously derp)

This was my other favourite. ISN'T. SHE. PRECIOUS? She was the cutest cosplayer/girl I've ever seen! She was really shy, so she didn't want to look at me when I took the photo. XD

This is my friend (the Totoro girl) on the second day, with the Ice King! It was a pretty good cosplay! There were heeeeaps of Finn + Fionas, but there was also a really good Flame Princess which unfortunately I didn't get a photo of. ><

There were two giant Rilakkumas!(?)

We got photos with them later, they were dancing to Gangnam Style when we found them XD

I spent lots of money in those two days... I bought 12 volumes of manga, and three anime DVDs. But it was so worth it! I also ate too much McDonalds... it was only a 15minute walk from the venue, and all the food at the venue was way overpriced! I did do lots of walking though, so that makes up for it right? Both days were early starts, and we spent the entire day there (we were there both days until 5pm!) I had such a great time though, so I don't even care about that. There were so many people, it was so packed and noisy and crazy. Usually I'd hate that kind of thing, but I really loved it. I love being there. I feel like it's the one place where I actually belong, where I fit in. It's a place where it's okay to be myself. 

So of course, now I'm left with that depressed feeling, and the thought that it's going to be a whole year until I can go again. I'm already thinking of what I want to go as next year. At first I was thinking I would just wear my kigu again, with a different coloured wig, but then I started thinking... I really want to do a Kyary Pamyu Pamyu cosplay for Fashion Monster. I probably won't be able to manage it in the end, and there's no way I could really pull it off, I mean, apart from Kyary herself, who could? I would probably look silly... but it's just a thought! Who knows, it could turn out okay, right?

And that brings me to the end of my Armageddon blog post. It was fun! Next time I'll talk about the other things that have happened in the past two weeks, but really, they all just pale in comparison to the wonder that was Armageddon.

Now Playing - Demo Demo Mada Mada by Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

Boiling Point

I'm feeling kind of down about myself at the moment. I feel like I'm always going to be this plain, boring nobody. Everyone on the internet is so good at fashion and then I'm just here like umm I have this sweater which is kind of cool and sometimes my eyeliner turns out semi-okay. Or they're really great at crafting and making things, or art or music. Or all of the above. Ahh, I dunno. I'm being an idiot. It's probably because I was blog-hoping on Tumblr, and there are so many beautiful, fashionable and creative people on there. I just wish that I could be one of them. I wish that there was something about me that was special. But I came to accept a long time ago now that I'm average, and that I'll probably just be average for the rest of my life. Honestly, my fashion choices aren't entirely my own. I just copy everyone else's ideas, follow whatever the people who I think are cool are doing, and even then I don't do a very good job of it and end up looking like a twat. It's not that I don't actually want to wear the things that such people do, because I honestly do and I would love to be able to pull it off, but I just don't have the means. That, or my outfits are half-baked. They always end up being just really average, even though I try really hard to make them nice. But in the end, it's not entirely my own personal style. I don't like that. I want to be able to come up with things that are unique, things that are special to me. I try, but like I said, I don't have the means. I can't just go and buy whatever I want, and I definitely can't make it myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my clothes and I love to wear them, but still... I can't seem to shake this feeling. I seem to like to tell myself that eventually, if I buy a whole bunch of clothes and things that are cool, then I'll be fine. I don't have a job, and finding a part-time job as a teenager in my country isn't exactly easy, and I'm really lousy at anything to do with crafts. I hate that I have to mooch off my parents for everything, but I don't have any other option. I've applied for jobs before, yes, but I never got any of them. I recently sent in an application to a store called The Warehouse, which is essentially my country's equivalent of Walmart. That's how desperate I'm getting. I hate the feeling that I haven't truly earned anything I own, that it was my parents hard work that put all my clothes in my closet. And to be honest, writing all this doesn't help at all. It just makes me feel even more shit. I'm such a lousy person. All I ever do is complain. There are so many people who have it much worse than me, yet I'm daring to sit here and whine about pointless shit. So what if I don't always like myself. It's probably just teenage insecurities. I'm happy enough, for the most part, right? I have a great life, with wonderful family and a nice home and I'm getting a good education. So why the fuck do I think it's ok to not like myself? It's not even that big of a deal. When you get right down to it, all it is, is me looking in the mirror and going, wow you're ugly inside and out huh you try so hard to be cool but none of your ideas are your own you hypocrite, and walking away. Most of the time, I just ignore the feeling, I accept it, and I move on. That's what irritates me the most. I'm so lucky, yet I still find something to be unhappy like this about, for no good reason. I feel like such a pathetic douchebag right now. I feel so crap, I wasn't even going to post this, but then I remembered... Hey, who gives a fuck, it's not like anyone reads your shit anyway.

I'm sorry. Really. That escalated quickly. I didn't intend for it to end up quite so... well, you know. But, I've always made a point my policy when it comes to blogging - backspace doesn't exist unless for grammatical errors. Whatever I type, stays. Because it's my blog. My feelings. My rants, and my rambles. It's just really late where I live right now, and I've been running on six hours of sleep for the past eighteen hours. I tend to get more angry with myself when I get tired. I'm not usually like this. I mean, I've always been a very self conscious person, but I'm actually pretty ok with it usually. It's just times like this when my brain stops working the way it should. But I guess, if I was able to spill my guts and write that much, then I really needed to write it down. It's like, I had been keeping all these thoughts shut away. I didn't want to acknowledge them, I didn't want to accept them. Like I said, feeling this way makes me feel bad. I'm so grateful for everything in my life, and so I feel like I don't deserve to be upset about something as small as my fashion choices or appearance. That's all. So I try to push the feelings away. I suppose that's not the most healthy thing to do though. Because it leads to these weird little outbursts of anger. That's what a blog is supposed to be for right? Getting all your feelings down. Lifting weight of peoples' shoulders. So from now on, I'm not going to keep my feelings shut away inside until I reach my boiling point. I'm going to do my best to let it out in a calm and constructive way, through this blog. My blog. And actually, I do feel a lot better now. I know the feelings will come back every now and again, they always do, but I'm going to try and handle them better.

Ugh, another thing I don't like about these weird outbursts is that I'm not able to say properly what it is I want to say. I don't think before I type, I just type whatever. Sometimes, it's okay, but in some cases I feel that what I've written can be easily misunderstood or misinterpreted. But then, I can't actually think of how else to say it. So I'll leave it. And it doesn't flow very well at all! Usually I try to give my posts a nice flow, from one point to the next. Boooo.

Ahh, I feel like my usual self now, so I'm thankful. Glad I was able to get this off my chest. But I'm also feeling really fucking tired. So it think it's about time I got to bed. I know I said in my last post that my next post would be in a couple of days, but I clearly needed to get this off my chest now. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, if you're interested, please still expect a more normal post from me in a couple of days!

I'm listening to my sleepy/calm music playlist right now huhuhu~

NP - Hirogaru Sekai by Golden Bomber